Preterm Esther-Day 23

I just got finished crying my eyes out. In the past hour I’ve questioned why, why me, why her, if this is a cruel joke, if this is some sort of trial I have to face like everyone else that will somehow change my life.

Although I am still not 100% about what the news means to my baby’s future, I know that at this moment its not good. Its manageable, but I don’t know what it will mean for her future. I want to see my baby talk, run, succeed, grow old. I want to see her beautiful face, I want to play with her and show her the beauty of this world, I want to teach her to be the best person, but I don’t know at this moment if I will.

The doctor was very vague and I might be over-reacting, but it is an emotional roller coaster. Just two days ago she had her “mask” taken off, and she is now using a cannula to breathe. She’s gained weight, shes taken the breast milk feeding very well. It was going smoothly. Aside from the duct not closing in her little heart, which people say she can live with as long as there are no symptoms, she was being perfectly healthy, strong and resilient for a baby her age/size. I was starting to get excited, and although I still had baby blues I was happy that at least my baby was pushing through and growing.

I’m embarrassed to say what the doctor told me, mostly because this is all an initial reaction and we have yet to receive a final diagnosis. But I just want everyone to know. It’s really hard. It is such a blessing to have a healthy baby. There are just thousands of things that can go wrong with a little baby, with such a tiny body.

All I can do right now is Trust. Trust that God is in control, trust that the doctors know what they are doing, trust the nurses will treat my baby with the utmost care, trust that my baby is the most resilient baby in that room and that she will continue to be a fighter, and trust that my husband will be there with me.

I saw the doctor search for a little vein, and heard my baby cry, and I watched and wanted to be there so bad for my daughter, although it hurt. He poked, and poked and poked until he found her little vein in her little arm. Then again later when the nurse did the same. I asked to help, so she got a pacifier. She usually pushes these out so I held her little head and made sure the pacifier was in place, but there was no need. She kept sucking and held the nurses finger firmly. She truly is a tough girl. The nurse said that if there is something wrong, she does such a great job at hiding it.

I love my little girl; she is finally showing character. So I can only hope and wait. Wait and see her grow. Wait and be there for her as much as I can. Read, talk and hold her. And Wait.

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